Why Can’t Cars Fly Yet??

Posted on April 10, 2018 by admin

brake repair RingwoodI know flying cars are old hat at this point, but people do keep bringing them up at the Futurist Club, and I can see why. We’ve been promised them for decades, and yet car manufacturers don’t seem all that interested in making it happen. Oh, it’s so much more efficient to just drive on roads, cause congestion, have to pay for tires and road maintenance and generally just travel in inefficient zig-zags instead of how the crow flies.

Alright, maybe the long wait has made me a little bit jaded as well. Just the other day I had to find a good place for brake replacement near Ringwood, and I started to think about marching in there and demanding an explanation. Where are our flying cars? Why is no one getting on this? How are we still going in for regular car servicing, instead of services for cars that fly!? We wouldn’t even need brake replacement, because there wouldn’t be any wheels. We’d stop in mid-air by many of the same processes that flying objects right now do: namely, ionic thrusters. You wouldn’t leave the ground without them.

So you’d be looking for a place in Melbourne for some quality car repairs and services, but not that; more like you need someone to fix your reverse ionic thrusters (that’s like brake repair) or tighten up your perambulation boosters (bit like clearing out the exhaust and changing the oil) or maybe giving a quick service to your space-time traversing recordinator. I mean, I don’t even have to explain how that’s referring to a similar concept to log book servicing. Ringwood has always been a little bit ahead of its time, so I feel like the place will be transformed soon. All of us in the club hope so. I just really hope it’s soon, so I can be free from sitting in traffic every morning for forty minutes, breathing in fumes and wishing I could be soaring through the sky…

-Magellan

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Name that Rock, and Other Things That Should Exist

Posted on February 5, 2018 by admin

aggregate Narre WarrenIf only there was a game show called ‘Name That Rock!’ I’d be amazing at it. I’d probably be the reigning champion, famous throughout Australia for my ability to discern various types of pebbles simply by feeling them.

Sadly, people are selected for prominence in different ways, leaving me as just the normal human being I am. No fame, no nothing. I didn’t even get accepted when I applied to be on ‘The Great Australian Trade Off’, probably because they were afraid and jealous of my great skills. And then, of course, they come up with week after week where my abilities could’ve shone. Obviously the one where they went and got some good quality aggregate in Narre Warren and had to create the perfect driveway topping was pretty great. Well, except for the parts where I was yelling at the screen. By definition, the contestants have to be amateurs, unlike professional driveway folks like myself. Mixing aggregate isn’t a game, after all. It’s not a simple task for the simplest of folk. Otherwise you end up with a knobbly driveway, amd nobody really wants that.

I can only assume that I was too good for the show. In my application, I revealed my great breadth of knowledge of aggregate and crushed stone, and they couldn’t have someone like me on the show. I’d breeze through every challenge, there would be no drama and it’d just get boring watching me win every week. No one really likes to watch that sort of thing; got to have just a smidgen of incompetence in everyone. It’s either that, or they’d already fulfilled their over-sixties quota.

Either way, I just have to watch, and hope that pebble gaming show is pitched by someone soon. Or maybe it’s going to be one of those traveling shows, where they go to various places and value one thing or another. So it’s Berwick and banana bunches one day, Carrum Downs garden supplies the other. People really do watch that kind of thing. Television nowadays really is quite strange, if you think about it.

-Karl

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Oh Boy, Back to the EXP Grind…

Posted on February 5, 2018 by admin

Mornington Peninsula Psychiatrist

Always fills me with that sinking feeling when I hear they’re releasing an expansion for Over-Botch. That game already eats up enough of my free time, and every single expansion I swear that I won’t go back. Then they release all the special skins, I HAVE to come back otherwise I’ll miss them, and the cycle begins anew. Sigh…guess I’m in for some late nights.

It’s even worse this time, because they just added the psychologist class, and it’s been billed as the most difficult to rank up of them all. I’ve sunk fifteen hours into it so far, and I’m still just a beginner psychology student. They’ve done their research, though. Apparently it was done by interviewing actual psychologists from the Mornington Peninsula region all the way to the Northern Territory and back, so they definitely wanted this to be an accurate experience. Not a replacement for going to see an actual psychiatrist about actual problems, but…a taste, perhaps.

It’s going…fine. Did you know that psychology is actually pretty deep? Suppose that makes sense, since it’s a study of the human brain. Thinking, therefore being, and all that stuff. We learned that in the first class, and it’s one of the few things I actually remember. Anyway, I haven’t even reached the point where I can give psychological evaluations. Got to pass about three more exams before they let me do that kind of thing. And of course, I looked at the leaderboards online, and there are already people who’ve sunk fifty hours into the profession and are setting up their own practice. HOW. WHY. Here’s me, having the gall to be employed. How very dare I have commitments in my life that prevent me from playing a video game 23 hours a day and working my way through a virtual career as a psychologist.

On the other hand, the creators really went all out with this one. Pretty sure they intend people to actually make strides in becoming a psychologist for real, once they’ve put in all the work.

Except now there’s going to be a deluge of psychiatrists available for booking in the Mornington Peninsula, for real, because it’s the only location currently available in the game and the textures are *gorgeous*. Maybe there’s a tourism sponsor…

-Wes

Posted in Health | Leave a comment

Someone Please Invent this Hair Innovation

Posted on December 5, 2017 by admin

hairdressers MelbourneWhy have we reached 2017 without someone inventing a helmet that does your hair for you? I’ve watched every single episode of Lizard’s Lair, I’ve seen every single stupid invention those people have made, and a few good ones, and absolutely no one has thought of anything like this. Nor have they made a helmet that DRIES your hair in seconds. Maybe that’s a bit dangerous…

But I stand by my original question. I guess hairdressing is just one of the many things that requires a human touch, much like novel-writing, financial consultation and knitting ugly jumpers.

Still, I sometimes saunter down to my local hairdresser, located in the heart of St James Place, and I look at people with their heads in the big…helmet things. You know, the ones that give you the killer curls. If there WAS a hairdressing machine, that’s more or less what it would look like. You’d slip it onto your head, it would introduce itself in your ear as being the Hairpro 7000 (“but you can call me Kylie!”) and then you’d just dictate the style you’d like, up to and including beehives.

Okay, maybe not beehives. They’d be slightly beyond the helmet’s ability to produce, given that it’s a helmet. And you know what would happen then. Beehive hair would be the ultimate in retro, since it’d be one of the few styles people can’t just get in seconds. Hairdressers, instead of being treated as standard members of the community- a crime, considering their artistic contributions- would be elevated to the level of style geniuses, doing with their nimble fingers what those fancy new helmets could not do.

It’ll happen, probably. But like vinyl and libraries, hairdressing won’t be going out of style. You’d just walk through the Melbourne CBD, find the best hairdressers in town and enjoy a new style. Just like you currently do with museums, or…souvenir shops, maybe?

-Kanjula

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It’s Been a Day of New Things

Posted on November 27, 2017 by admin

commercial law firmAlright, I’m seriously reconsidering my long-standing hatred of sushi. I suppose it was unfounded discrimination- sushi-ism, if you will- since I’d only had to once, from a supermarket, and it made me sick. Thanks to the other aunt for that one.

Now my boyfriend finally managed to convince me to come to an actual sushi restaurant, and I’m converted. I am sold. This is heaven wrapped seaweed, and like seaweed, I’m now salty that I’ve spent so many years wallowing in blind hatred.

What other prejudices have I been taking for granted? Is hummus really the great evil I had previously assumed? Are lawyers truly the dullest of folk?

That last one came from one of our old career seminars at school. This one was from a Melbourne-based commercial law firm that I’m pretty sure does not exist any more, which is for the best because…this person was not an orator. You’d think as a lawyer, you’d have to have skill with the tongue. Maybe that’s why he was sent to the dead-end job talking to a bunch of ungrateful teenagers: so the real solicitors could get on with the job.

I’m sure lawyers are just fine, like any other profession, and no more dull than the average human. And yet, from that one incident it’s just stuck in my brain that lawyers must be boring. There’s also the fact that I HATED my political law elective in year 10, so there’s that.

Alright. This is a day for casting off old grudges and ill thoughts. Sushi shall now join the hallowed halls of food I rather enjoy. Melbourne’s finest property solicitors, I apologise for the years of ill-intent I have held towards your profession, even though it’s never been a big deal and it has not affected any of you, in any way.

And hummus…well…we shall see. The jury’s out on that one.

Heh, ‘jury’.

-Kendall

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My Extremely Specific Hair Problem

Posted on July 17, 2017 by admin

hair salon MelbourneI hate having really specific problems, because I can’t really ask anyone about them. I wish I had normal people problems, that normal people can just google. Then I’d find my answers on Wiki-How, and everything would be lovely.

Nope! Last month I had to try to sort out a possum infestation in my car- an entire family, just having a great little old time in my car boot- and funnily enough, no one knew how to deal with it. Really! Don’t you just love new experiences?

Now I need to find someone who can help me out with a VERY specific hair problem. Currently I’m looking through all the best hair salons in the Melbourne CBD, except not for actual hair styling. I’m on an intel gathering mission. I know hair salons only deal in human hair though, and that’s…not what I need…I need to explain my strange situation.

Okay…so, as luck would have it, I have a strange friend who’s managed to rope me into a zany business scheme. It’s a travelling pet grooming business that deals with ALL animals, from mundane to exotic. So we can comb your dog’s hair, or we can make your iguana look like a little lizard angel. That’s the idea, anyway, but there’s only one problem: I’m not good at grooming. Like, I can’t even keep my OWN frizz under control, and now I’m expected to handle axolotls and goodness knows what else. Them I figured that human grooming isn’t THAT different to animal grooming. As in, you walk into a hair salon and those hairdressers will have you walking out looking absolutely fabulous, and that’s the goal here. Maybe I can make something good of being press-ganged into one of Jenna’s mad schemes. I do like travelling, and I do like animals…and that’s why I’m lurking outside this hair salon in St James Place. I’ll make it worth their while, I swear. Maybe I’ll get a red streak in my hair…or just a good cut. Don’t want long hair when we’re dealing with llamas, or whatever else.

-Elsie

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The Shroom, A True Masterpiece

Posted on May 31, 2017 by admin

indoor play centre PerthI don’t care what anyone says, The Shroom is an underrated masterpiece. And people are still saying that director Timmy Wizzo’s comments about the whole thing being satire are just a way for him to cover up how terrible it was. Don’t people know that movie directors are an honest breed, always telling the truth in both word and on camera? Yes, a few of the editing decisions were a bit…awkward, but if you peel away the caustic outer layers, it’s a heartbreaking glimpse into the world of drug abuse and one man’s attempt to escape the reality he’s created for himself.

That’s why the main character acts so erratically; this perfect reality in which he’s a successful burger chain owner, beloved by all, is actually a parallel to the real world. You can see it in the scene where he takes his child to the indoor play centre in Perth. Jimmy doesn’t even live in Perth, so why are they going there? Because Perth was where he grew up; it’s a place of safety, and the indoor play centre, with its colours and fun activities, represents Jimmy’s childhood innocence trying to break through the murky shroud of the shrooms. And then there’s the part where it’s an entire scene of him and Liza trying to decide on a kids birthday party venue, and the conversation goes absolutely nowhere. Such a tacit and subtle look into the psyche of two lovers desperately trying to keep the flames of their passion alive, as represented by their inability to decide something so simple! They were just at the birthday party venue in the scene before, which speaks to their lack of commitment. Obviously.

Oh, and don’t even get me STARTED on the much-maligned scene where the two of them sort-of-almost break up. When Jimmy yells to Liza that she’s crushing him to death, it’s a manifestation of his inability to control his drug habit, and the effect it’s going to have on their child. It wasn’t bad acting; it was pathos. Drug-addled pathos.

People just don’t recognise art. Personally, I’m still a believer. Every time I take my child to a birthday party venue in Perth, I shall think of Jimmy. He may be a strangely-acted fictional character, but I believe we all share his struggle. There’s a bit of Jimmy in all of us.

-Klein

Posted in Children | Leave a comment

A blow to my ego

Posted on April 5, 2017 by admin

24 hour plumber MelbourneI like to think of myself as a pretty handy kind of gal. Someone who could bust open a box of tools and know what the heck she’s doing with them. If there’s a problem with the plumbing, I’m usually the one to solve it. I’ve had moments where I’ve taught guys how to jack up a car to fix a flat tire. I can usually do a pretty solid patch up job if something around the house decides to break down, but I confess, I haven’t a clue what I’m doing when it comes to blocked drains.

Oh, and another thing about me, I am stubborn beyond belief. Stupidly stubborn. So when the plumbing in my Melbourne apartment completely freaked out a couple of days ago, I decided that I would be the one to try and fix it. I guess as someone who’s grown up around the internet, I could simply ask for instructions on drain pipe unblocking and receive them. To be totally honest, every single thing I did only made the problem worse. And worse.

There comes a time where most people would probably realise they’ve come to their limit and call a professional. This week I discovered that, for me, that limit is when you’re living in an inch or so of water. I’m not proud of this, and am in part putting this all out on the internet in the hopes of shaming myself to never do anything like this again. Calling a 24 hour plumber in Melbourne is not – I repeat is not – a source of shame. People take years learning how to be a plumber, and it’s arrogant as all get up to assume that you can internet search all the answers in less than 20 minutes. Besides, you may end up making things even worse by trying to help – which I definitely did. Emergency services exist for a reason. Use them.

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Work Before Lighting, I Say

Posted on March 19, 2017 by admin

commercial lightingI was supposed to be running this place by now. Oh, I still have ambition by the boatload, and I’m as determined as ever that this entire office, and eventually the company, shall be under my boot. That’s the only way we’re ever going to make it in this harsh economic climate.

And yet, my plans are continually thwarted, this time from without. I was primed to take control after I managed to oust that last idiot, but the mysterious bosses descended from on high (via email) and appointed this young idiot. Oh, he’s enthusiastic. That much is clear, from the fact that he’s an absolute twit who needs babysitting through everything he does, from opening emails to corresponding with other offices.

So now I’m playing den mother to a boss who’s literally young enough to be my son, and he can’t stay on track for three seconds. This week it’s all been commercial lighting. Melbourne needs the offices to stand out, and commercial lighting is a big deal. So big a deal that we have to spend half a Monday morning meeting dealing with what sort of lighting will be going in the office. Look, I have nothing against lighting, but my opinion on office lighting is thus: so long as we can see what we’re doing, it’s fine.

It’s just…such a waste of time. I can’t stand time wasting, because time is indeed money in a business setting. And here’s this young, blonde upstart stumbling into work half an hour late, high-fiving everyone and generally having a magnificent time cosying up to the gang. Everyone loves him. He’s charismatic. I hate it.

Of course, half the office is now scouring Melbourne, designer LED lighting on the brain. It’s like I’m working with infants, and being led by another infant. I hope they just pick some nice lighting and be done with it.

-Sandrine

Posted in Office | Leave a comment

Marine Welding for Monkeys

Posted on December 5, 2016 by admin

fishing rod holdersI suppose there is quite a subtle difference between a monkey and a scientist. I suppose you could do both, because I’m pretty sure monkeys and their cousins have opposable thumbs, but the problem would be their level of interest. I just can’t see a monkey going for science. They have other concerns, like grooming and bananas, and I appreciate that. Sometimes I wish I could just quit my job to worry about grooming and bananas.

One day, perhaps, we will welcome monkeys into our society, provided that they show some kind of interest. Like, they’d need to contribute to society in some way, maybe in a labour intensive job. They could do marine fabrication, because I used to do it back when I was younger and it was really gruelling. Long hours, and sometimes that’s long hours spent hanging from a harness because sometimes you work on ships. Those things are massive, as you probably know because everyone knows what ships look like. Though sometimes it was just boats, and it was great. Could feel the sun on the back of my neck, got to work outdoors and I swear, sea air is good for the soul.

So if the monkeys join our society, that’s where they’ll go. They will go to the coast, where they’ll perform jobs that are labour-intensive but also character building, because they have several thousand years of culture to catch up on. I mean, it’s not like we’ll be the ones learning stuff from THEM. We already know how to open a banana from the bottom, thanks very much. So I guess that’s the plan: integrate the monkeys, but don’t make them scientists just yet. Maybe set them to work on boats. If they can install a fishing rod holder or something similar like a bait board, they can move up. And then they probably won’t even need harnesses for the welding, because they’re really good at climbing.

-Pat

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