Stitch Up

Statistically speaking, there are enough trees in the world to process our oxygen needs for a number of years…though it remains to be seen if population growth will affect that figure. Personally, I think it’s time to cull the trees that aren’t doing us good, and plant new ones in their place. It’s the only way to sustainable growth.

I propose that this trial will be taking place in the region of Brisbane, with tree lopping professionals employed to complete the work. My theory states that at least 20% of trees in the region, if not more, are not contributing to society in any meaningful way, and may in fact present a clear and present danger to the population in the form of decay and possible collapse due to insect or storm damage. Now, not everyone has the funding for tree removal, which is why this scheme is so important. Many a citizen has been left at the mercy of a decaying, useless tree at the bottom of a garden or taking up space on a plot of land. These may be entire trees, or simply stumps in need of grinding. The extraction of roots is a difficult task, but once completed, a new tree may be put in place of the old one. Just think what the world would be like, should every tree be operating at 100% efficiency! I can even envision healthy trees that are nonetheless not useful being subject to the same scheme, but perhaps some form of visual pleasantness is necessary. For the time being, at least.

Thus, tree lopping professionals will be deployed to seek out trees that are no longer fulfilling their function. All of mankind will benefit from this work, no matter who they are. Oxygen is a shared resource, after all. This method of weeding out the old and supplanting it with the new has no drawbacks. Possibly, there are other applications. Now, I must liaise with Brisbane tree removal experts. My project is ready to become reality.

-Alvin H.C.

I remember watching a movie where people turned into bears. It wasn’t really a bad thing, because they all learned life lessons about how to take care of nature, get along with their family members and each other, and then they all end up living happily ever after with a new understanding of the world. So yeah, very nice. I remember that one in particular because it gave me nightmares. In fact, a lot of movies gave me nightmares. Everything, in fact, gives me nightmares. It’s a serious problem.

For example, I was at a self-help group for people who spend too much time gaming online, and one person was late because he’s a Melbourne boat trailer mechanic or something and he does boat trailer repairs, as you do. But that’s the thing about my brain: it latches onto random things during the day. I can’t stop thinking about them, and then I know exactly what I’ll be dreaming about, and it’s the worst. So for the whole of that day I couldn’t stop thinking about boat trailer repairs, so I went to bed knowing I’d have a bad dream about working on a boat trailer and it falls into the sea or gets eaten by an octo-shark or something. So that’s life.

I didn’t on that occasion, because I now know how to combat it. In fact, I went down to the docks that very evening in the hopes that I could catch some people doing exactly that thing that was in my head. I managed to find some people and they weren’t doing trailer repairs exactly, but I politely asked if they’d show me how. And seeing the thing always makes a huge difference, because then I see for sure that it’s harmless. No bad dreams that night. Although some days it gets tough. One person mention boat catches. And after that, all I could think about was…boats being caught. Mostly by Krakens. Some nightmares you just can’t hold off.

-Hamish